A Dose of Crack
by Mel-Girl
Summary: A drabble collection that mostly star Malik, Mariku and the Bakurae! Many mentions of Yugi, Yami and others too. Genres vary but are mostly humour and contain some kind of shipping. Mostly for my own fun. 8. because self-insertion is a good ego-booster.
1. Abuse

**I was bored and had some daydreams of odd situations involving YuGiOh characters. So I felt like writing mini drabbles/oneshots. As Malik, Bakura and Ryou are my favourites, they'll probably appear the most frequently. The shippings will vary and mostly be different combinations of ships between Malik, Mariku and the Bakurae. XD Oh and Puzzle, Pride and Puppy will appear a bit too. Maybe some het and yuri too. It's just some random messed up drabbles.**

**Plus I like to write the occasional thing that isn't a serious fanfic and all~**

**The first one here focuses on a popular subject in YGO fanfiction. So I guess this sort of parodies it. And this one contains hintings of Puzzle, Tender and Bronze, I guess. XD I think only Puzzle has the proper fluff here, rofl.**

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

**1. **Abuse is only a way of showing your love... apparently.

It was that time in the week where the hikaris would all get together for afternoon tea at Yugi's house. That's right! It's a Sunday. Because all good hikaris go to school during the week. That's why it's not on a Thursday or some other lame day like that.

As Ryou came through the door and came into the living room of the Mutou household, Yugi and Malik stopped their conversation to gasp.

"Ryou! You're covered in cuts and bruises!" Yugi cried in alarm. Ryou shrugged and took a seat on the couch next to Malik. "What happened?"

Malik averted his eyes to Yugi. "Aren't you forgetting that Ryou suffers from daily abuse from his yami?" Yugi's eyes widened and Malik gasped again. "Oh my goodness! You don't know? My yami abuses me too. He likes to give me the good ol' whack with a baseball bat every now and again."

Yugi's jaw dropped. "Are you for real? Shouldn't we call the police?"

Ryou and Malik shook their heads. "No way," Ryou responded, "I love my yami far too much even though he stripped me away of all dignity when I was underage." Malik nodded in agreement.

Yugi was puzzled. "My yami never abuses me. If he did, I would do something about it!"

"You can't do that to your soulmate!" Ryou replied with a frown. Malik again, nodded in agreement. Ryou then turned to Malik. "Say, is that a lump on your forehead?"

"Yup!" Malik grinned. "Mariku got me good with the Millenium Rod! So, what did Bakura do to you this time?" He leaned in closer to Ryou, eager to hear the latest abuse story. Yugi said nothing, hoping that maybe hearing the story would end this confusion.

"Well, he had no reason whatsoever for his actions but he picked me up and threw me across the room whilst yelling, 'I love you koi!' It felt amazing..." Ryou explained with a dreamy, far away look in his eyes. Yugi raised an eyebrow.

"Isn't that a bit masochistic?"

Ryou shook his head. "No, I don't like being abused. But I love my yami enough so I can overlook the blatant relationship flaws."

"And that makes everything better!" Malik chimed in with a grin. He and Ryou high-fived each other.

Yugi scratched his head. "And doesn't 'koi' mean fish? Do you really want your yami referring to you as a fish?"

Malik frowned. "Koi sounds cute. Don't be hating!" The Egyptian stood up and pointed at Yugi in a dramatic fashion. "I get the feeling that your yami has never ever abused you!" Ryou gasped and joined Malik with staring at Yugi in shock.

"Well... yeah?" Yugi shrugged. "Isn't being abused by someone well... bad?"

"My goodness... Your yami obviously does not care enough for you!" Ryou said in disbelief. Malik did a facepalm. Ryou turned to Malik. "Can we really count Yugi as being a hikari when his yami isn't evil enough to beat him up every now and then?"

"Obviously not! Yugi, you're out of the club!" Malik decided out of the blue. He swivelled around to face Ryou. "Hey Ryou, Mariku's wanting to try out his new battering ram on me! Wanna come watch?"

"Okay!"

And with that, the two abused hikaris left the house in a huff. Yugi spent some moments trying to understand the situation but felt that it didn't compute. Yami entered the living room and was greeted by a tackle hug from his hikari.

"Whoa, hey! I saw Malik and Ryou leaving. They looked like they'd survived an ambush or something. What's up?"

Yugi pulled away from Yami and sighed. "Are we weird?"

"Of course not!" Yami shook his head. "What makes you say that?"

"Well, Malik and Ryou think I'm weird because I'm the only hikari that hasn't been abused by my yami..."

Yami put a hand to his own chin in thought. "Ah, I see..." His eyes widened. "Wait, what the hell did you just say?!"

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

**Enjoy? I'll probably do some more. Feel free to make suggestions, I may use them. Just no bashing character suggestions btw. Heck, just gimme a word and knowing my mind, something odd will come from that. XDD So um, review? XD**

**Adios!**

**Mel-Girl.**

**Next: How does one define a hikari and yami anyway?**


	2. Yamis and Hikaris

**rofl, these drabble things are really quick to do so I did another one, yay! It's another yami/hikari based with Puppyshipping thrown in. I noticed that fans like to count Puppyshipping as being a yami/hikari pairing too, so I threw that in for good measure. XD Malik has a problem that has been bugging him and he wants answers... Read on~**

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

**2. **I do not want to be a type of energy, thank you very much

The yamis and hikaris were all hanging out at Seto's house along with Jounouchi too, because apparently they are all such great friends and can finally tolerate one another. Ryou no longer freaks out when Mariku is around because ever since him, Atemu and Bakura have returned from the spirit world, they are much nicer and love their hikaris soooo much! Jounouchi still cannot tell Ryou and Bakura apart but it's okay because the fandom likes to count Jounouchi and Seto as a yami/hikari pairing too!

And before the reader could question how Seto/Jounouchi counting as a yami/hikari pairing can nullify the fact that Jounouchi can't tell Ryou and Bakura apart, Malik had a more puzzling question on his mind.

"...Why are we called hikaris anyway?" Malik asked, deciding he couldn't take it any longer. The question just had to be asked. Everyone stared at Malik for a moment. Wasn't it the norm for the not-so-evil of two identical people who aren't related in any way to be called hikaris? "Also, why are our other halves called yamis?"

Bakura frowned. "Because I'm more evil and want to kill the pharaoh, I'm a yami. Yami means dark and well, wanting to kill the pharaoh is bit I don't know... dark?"

Jounouchi gasped. "Ryou, I didn't know that you wanted to kill the pharaoh!"

Seto who was able to tolerate sitting beside the guy he once disliked and looked down upon nudged Jounouchi's arm. "That's Bakura, you stupid mutt." As Seto and Jounouchi were now dating apparently, Jounouchi decided that Seto's insults were loving nicknames.

"But ever since Bakura came back from the spirit world, he doesn't want to kill the pharaoh anymore! It's so wonderful!" he snuggled up next to Bakura affectionately. Mariku was eying up the chandelier in the room and tried to picture what would happen if it dropped on somebody. The thought amused him.

"But the thing is that Atemu, Bakura, Mariku and I all come from Egypt! Yami is a Japanese term! Why the heck are Egyptians using Japanese terms?" Malik asked, bringing up a point that nobody else in the room really considered.

"We're in an anime aimed at a Japanese speaking audience?" Jounouchi guessed.

"That's a bit unrealistic, Jounouchi-kun," Yugi pointed out, not really noticing Atemu pull the 'I'm pretending to stretch but I'm really just putting my arm around you' move on him. "But I guess you make a point, Malik."

"Also!" Malik stood up and began to act all melodramatic. "Hikaris are light! We are not energy particles that light up a freaking room! It's like we're suggesting that we're not humans at all!"

Bakura frowned again. "Are you going through an identity crisis, Malik?"

Malik glared at Ryou's yami. "No!" he snapped. "I'm just confused about it all! Why can't we just drop the yami/hikari idea and go with the fact that because like, me and Mariku look similar, we're twins? Bakura and Ryou could be twins and Yugi and Atemu can be twins! That way we can be humans instead of a type of energy!"

"Wait, the fans refer to me and the stupid mutt as being like a yami/hikari pairing too so-"

"Well, you two can be twins too!" Malik decided for the both of them. Everyone stared at Malik in disbelief, except for Mariku who was still eying the chandelier with great amusement.

"Ryou and I can't be twins!" Bakura replied with a glare. "It's easier to have sex with him when I think of him as a hikari. Also it's easier to abuse him because I don't like the idea of abusing a brother."

"Same here," Atemu agreed. Malik rolled his eyes.

"Thank you for sharing that with us..." he muttered.

Jounouchi overlooked the fact that Malik had declared him and Seto to be twins and raised his hand. "Well, all the yamis when in their actual form have tans so maybe the yami/hikari thing is referring to that?"

Yugi and Ryou nodded in agreement. "That has to be it! Because us hikaris are all pale!"

"Except for me!" Malik reminded them with a glare. "I don't think it's referring to skin colour!"

"But you could just be that one shade paler than Mari-"

"Stop talking, Jounouchi!" Malik fumed, clenching his fists. And with that, everyone was silenced. All were wondering if Malik actually did have a good point about the mystery of yami/hikari. In their moments of contemplating, suddenly they heard Mariku chuckling. "Oi, Mariku... Why the hell are you giggling like that?"

Mariku finally spoke up at last. "Wouldn't it be funny if the chandelier dropped from the ceiling and killed us all?"

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

**oh Mariku. X3 He knows how to change the subject, lol. Oh yeah, feel free to gimme ideas and whatnot, I appreciate all reviews! ^^**

**Adios!**

**Mel-Girl.**


	3. Birthdays are for Kinks

**I'm back from my holiday and had one hell of a time! Hardcore fun. Fanfics have gone through heavy planning so now I basically got the scaffolding for a good chunk of 'A Bad Case of Hopeless' and pretty much know everything to the last chapter of 'Bloody Brilliant'. Er anyway, it's Malik's birthday and so I'm going to ignore Christmas and celebrate Malik's birthday! Writingwise anyway. Idk, I wrote vague Xmas stuff a while back so XD So yes, enjoy! So yeah, it goes from Thiefshipping to Fetishipping and well... you'll see. XD**

* * *

**3. **It's better than an actual present!

Hooray! The day had come! It was the day of Malik and Mariku's birthday! Of course the fact that it's right by Christmas means that most of the main cast make a total point of overlooking this. And as a fangirl of the Ishtar gang, I demand that everyone start writing Thiefshipping birthday oneshots for Malik.

And as for Mariku... I'm sure having that chandelier from the previous chapter drop on Atemu or somebody will satisfy him.

Malik liked birthdays. It meant the day could revolve around him. That's always great. And he remembered all the items he'd placed on the birthday wish list! Golden wristwatch, golden bracelets, golden tickets for that chocolate factory, golden chocolate factory, golden Bakura statue – why not? Did he remember to mention that he liked gold a lot?

He jumped to his feet when he heard a knock on the door. Opening it up, Malik saw that standing at his doorstep was none other than Bakura. Excellent! One of the few who could remember Malik's birthday mostly due to the fandom deciding that Bakura hated Christmas for whatever reason. So in-between hating on Christmas and being a thief, Bakura had made special plans for Malik's birthday.

And as for plans regarding Mariku's birthday... Bakura decided to let Ryou take care of that.

"Kura!" Malik threw his arms around the white haired thief in a hug. After he pulled away, he finally realised that Bakura was carrying every sex toy imaginable. Basically the author couldn't be bothered listing them all. Malik raised an eyebrow. "Those for me?"

Bakura shrugged. "I was thinking of giving them to Mariku after we're done with them but whatever."

Malik soon realised that Bakura was up to something. "...Done with them?"

"Well yeah. I didn't buy you anything so I figured that-"

"What about stealing me something?"

"I stole all this equipment at the least!"

"Hmm." Malik raised an eyebrow at Bakura referring to all the sex toys as 'equipment'. "So when you say that we'll be done with them, do you mean...?"

Bakura nodded. "Yup. Birthday sex. Didn't you always want to get deflowered for your birthday?"

"What?!" Malik squeaked; his face turning bright red. "I put gold items on my wish list! Not an enormous sex session!"

The thief held up a pair of handcuffs. "Well, these are gold if that compensates for anything."

Malik stared at the handcuffs thoughtfully for a moment. "Those are some nice handcuffs..." He suddenly snapped back to the situation at hand. "No! I object! Just because smut gets written for characters on their birthdays doesn't mean you have to deflower me on my birthday!"

"It... doesn't?" Bakura gave the birthday boy a blank stare. "But what else am I supposed to give you?" Malik wasn't sure how to answer. Bakura is obviously mixing up fandom traditions with the real world. But then again, Malik couldn't really tell at times whether he was in the real world or in some fandom.

Mariku suddenly burst into the room. "Malik! I am here to deflower you!"

Bakura glared at Mariku. "Back off," he growled, "I already called dibs." Malik scratched his head and wondered when Bakura called dibs on him.

"But it's my birthday too!"

"Then we can have a threesome. There's enough equipment to go round," Bakura pointed out. Mariku nodded thoughtfully and suggested that they ring up Akefia and Ryou to come and join and make it a fivesome. "Hey that's a good idea! It'll be a party!"

"Fuck yeaahhhhh!!" Mariku cheered. Malik facepalmed because that qualifies as a word now. Was every birthday like this when you're an attractive male hanging out with other attractive males? Is it some kind of screwed up fate?

But hell, Malik was definitely going to call dibs on those gold handcuffs.

* * *

**Yaoi orgy is in order. Poor Malik, wanting a proper birthday. He should appreciate the other gifts though! ;3 But um, I kinda did notice that apparently smut qualifies as a gift. Malik should have his gold as well, y/y? XDD Anyway, uh review and I better start typing up all that crap I'd written, haha!**

**Adios!**

**Mel-Girl.**


	4. Bakura plus Internet

**Uh... I had a dream where Bakura went on Omegle. So uh yeah... I don't own Omegle or Yu-Gi-oh or anything mentioned here except perhaps the drabble plot, rofl. More Bakura and Malik fun, this is mostly Bakura-centric. And this is why Bakura should use the internet. Obviously.**

**Enjoy!**

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

**4. **Omegle is a form of love... oh wait no that was abuse.

Being a yami was tough work. He had to be evil at every moment possible except to his hikari which he loved and cherished. In Bakura's case, he only pretended to because he made a deal with Ryou that if they were nicer towards one another, Bakura would have more freedom to do whatever the hell he wants.

So Bakura decided to register to every damn website he could find on the internet. Youtube, Facebook, Hotmail, you name it and he's signed up to it. Then he did some scams and tricked a couple hundred people into giving him lots of money. With that money he decided to buy some new sex toys for when another birthday bops up. Ohoho, that time with Malik...

Of course ever since the incident on Malik's birthday, Malik hadn't spoken to him since. In fact, the teenager decided to go visit some people in Egypt as an excuse to get away from Bakura. This didn't worry Bakura because the white-haired yami found out Malik's email address and has spammed him every single day.

One day, Bakura decided to get on a website known as Omegle. From what he heard from Mariku, Omegle is an anonymous chatting service that sets you up with a random user to have conversations with. Some people trolled it; some people were looking for someone to webcam with and other dirty desires while some wanted a proper conversation. The latter group are fools. Nobody finds a proper conversation on Omegle. Not for long anyway.

Bakura clicked to start a conversation. He had no idea how he was going to play this. Actually, he knew he'd end up trolling everybody but he pretended to himself that he wasn't.

Stranger: hello! ^_^  
You: wtf is ^_^  
Stranger: o.o  
Stranger: an emoticon, silly! It's supposed to be a happy face ^^;;  
You: okay now wtf is o.o  
Stranger: uh oo;;  
You: oo;; reminds me of that mai kujaku person somehow  
Stranger: you know her?!  
You: ...oh shit  
Stranger: ): don't swear. Are you friends with Mai?  
You: are you one of the pharaoh's stupid friends by any chance?  
Stranger: I'm not stupid! D:  
You: ok now wtf is D:  
Stranger: who are you?  
You: are you sure you should be asking a stranger that? :P  
Stranger: wtf is :P  
You: Touché.  
Stranger: I'm Anzu Mazaki btw! ^_^  
You: oh I'm Bakura :P  
Stranger: wow of all the people I get connected to on Omegle, it's the guy who wants to kill Yami or something  
You: yeah! and you're next! :D  
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Bakura scratched his head and wondered how the hell his first Omegle conversation of the day was with someone he actually knew. He wasn't quite sure what to think of this and when he realised that he talked to a friend of Yami's for much longer than he needed to, it was time to troll Omegle or mock the users or something.

Stranger: Warning! The police can see your IP address and if you give your age, sex and location, they will come and arrest you.  
You: Yugi Muto, shrimpy sixteen year old male, Domino City and I luv friends! ^_^  
Stranger: omg!1 the police will be after you very shortly!  
You: do you want my home address? :D

The white-haired yami found himself cracking up at what he was planning to do and accidentally clicked himself out of the conversation to go look up Yugi's address. When he found it, he realised what he'd done and sighed in disappointment. Goddamnit.

Oh well, time to start one more!

Stranger: hi I'm bored as hell  
Stranger: Egypt can get really boring  
Stranger: wait a second, why am I on Omegle?!  
You: ...no friggin way  
Stranger: huh?  
You: Malik Ishtar?  
Stranger: o_o!!!!!!  
Stranger: u_u Mariku are you on Omegle again  
Stranger: you're influencing like  
Stranger: everyone with that damn site  
Stranger: even me as you can tell =/  
You: lol  
You: you didn't respond to my emails  
Stranger: huh? Bakura was the only one to send me emails  
You: exactly. My emails  
Stranger: oh fuck  
Stranger: Bakura?  
You: :D  
Stranger: of all the friggin people on the planet  
Stranger: I get stuck with a man who deflowered me against my will  
You: dude you were like screaming  
You: "MORE BAKURA MORE"  
You: what else am I supposed to do?  
Stranger: u____u okay I only said that once  
You: three times, actually  
You: I counted XD  
Stranger: ugh. I knew I shouldn't have gone on Omegle  
You: you shouldn't have said you're in Egypt, dumbass  
Stranger: hmph  
You: well, seeing as we're both here  
You: wanna cyber?  
Stranger: o///o!!!!!!!!!  
Stranger: u///u  
Stranger: x\\\x  
Stranger: friggin hell Bakura  
Stranger: I don't cyber on the internet  
You: then let's get together sometime ;D  
Stranger: see this is why I'm staying in Egypt for the meantime! ///  
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Bakura sighed. Malik can be so disagreeable sometimes! Mariku would agree to cybering. Clearly Malik needs to influenced just a little more by his yami. Ah well, never mind! Bakura decided to go bug Malik on Facebook instead. And maybe give Yugi's address to a different random during the next Omegle session.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

**Poor Malik. ROFL he keeps saying no. Poor Bakura too in that case. XD Uh, I got inspired from various Omegle sessions and thought it would be funny to write some Omelge/YGO stuff lol. Uh...**

**In the upcoming chapters:**

**- Bishies For Sale! order now, fangirls!**

**- Mariku works as an advice columnist for a magazine!**

**- fairytales as told by Ryou with unwilling actors XD;**

**- fairytales as told by Bakura with unwilling actors XD; (because he doesn't like the way Ryou narrates)**

**- Lord of the (Sennen) Ring!**

**And many more if I feel like it, lol. Uh, review and gimme ideas or somethin', if ya want. XD**

**Adios!**

**Mel-Girl.**


	5. There's a lot of characters in this show

**Don't you love writing meaningless drabbles when you're bored? I have no clue what's with this one.**

**5. **Closets Are A Metaphor... Probably

"Okay Malik, I've decided!" Bakura spoke up all of a sudden while Malik sipped a cup of tea. And I can't go a drabble without mentioning who is there. It is an obligation to list everyone who is in the scene. So there's Yami, Yugi, Malik, Mariku, Bakura, Ryou, Seto, Jounouchi, Anzu, Otogi, Honda, Shizuka, Mai, Pegasus, Shadi, Miho, Bandit Keith, Akefia, Atemu, Mana, Mahaado, Ishizu, Rishid and the list kind of goes on. Bakura has a very large bedroom. Did I mention they're all squished into Bakura's bedroom? Well, they are.

Accept this questionable paragraph as the general norm in the life of Bakura. He has a strange habit of inviting everyone he hates to his house and for some reason they all agree to go despite how the day never ends without Bakura trying to cast someone to the Shadow Realm. Wonder why Yugi's Grandpa dude wasn't listed? Bakura sent him off to the Shadow Realm the other week.

Now for some dialogue and absolutely no description just to match most of your favourite fanfics from any fandom. Don't look at me like that. You know you've read a few. Even I have.

"What have you decided this time?" Malik asked, casually shoving Mariku away.

"I'm going to seduce you in front of everyone and instead of being completely freaked out, everyone will erupt into an 'awww' as if PDA is okay," Bakura replied, licking his lips in a seductive manner. If you find that to be a good seduction technique. Actually he was half-eyeing up the plate of cake Ryou was casually holding.

Mariku gave Bakura the thumbs-up. "PDA is always okay in fanfics."

"Why is someone always trying to seduce me in fanfics anyway? Am I a boy-magnet or something?" Malik asked with a frown.

"Totes," everyone nodded in unison.

"Yeah, I'd seduce you," Yami commented.

"Me too," Yugi agreed.

"And me," Otogi said as he eyed Malik up.

"Me too," Shizuka agreed. All the boys frowned at her.

"But you're a girl," Jounouchi pointed out.

"It's good you know what gender your own sister is," Seto commented.

"But everyone is gay so sis, you have to seduce Mai instead," Jounouchi told his sister nervously.

"But I'm not," Malik and Shizuka said at the exact same time.

Bakura chuckled. "Oh Malik, still in the closet. Shizuka, you're fine because if the girls aren't doing each other, they're apparently raging about how us guys are doing each other," he explained.

Malik scowled. "I'm not in the closet, Bakura! I'm in your bedroom!"

"Ooh, even better."

Yami sighed. "Malik, the closet is a metaphor for saying that someone is gay but won't admit it."

"There's nothing to admit!" Malik fumed. "And I don't have a closet! I have a wardrobe!"

"Why am I here?" Bandit Keith wondered. "Shouldn't I be in America?"

"On the note of raging about guys doing each other, shouldn't Anzu be insisting on Malik's false claim of being straight?" Yugi asked. "Because she's the biggest bitch in the world even though she has a nice rack." Because nice racks can excuse you from anything. Apparently.

"Hey, she does have a nice rack," Ishizu randomly agreed.

Anzu raised an eyebrow. "No, I'm kinda keen to see Bakura seducing Malik. Go ahead."

"I brought a video cameraaaa!" Pegasus announced with a grin.

Malik stood up, causing a shift in the crowd within Bakura's room. It didn't help that some Mary Sue entered the room to try and seduce Seto and thus make the crowd more of a squashfest. "I'm leaving to go ask an OC on a date. You try and stop me."

"Shit, we can't have that!" Bakura yelled. "Quick! Yami, Yugi, Jounouchi, Honda, Ryou, Mariku, Anzu, Otogi, Shizuka, Seto, Mokuba, Akefia, Mahaado, Mana, Kisara, Mary Sue, Bandit Keith, Shaadi, Ishizu, Rishid, Haga, Ryuzaki, Ryouta, Mai, Noah, Gozaburo, Miho-"

"Just say 'Everyone', damn it," Honda sighed.

"Yeah, but I don't want Dartz and his lot to do anything so I can't say everyone now can I?" Bakura pointed out.

"Just start again!" Jounouchi called out.

And while Bakura started to list off every character in the world of YuGiOh, Malik managed to escape Bakura's bedroom.

"...and then there's Ryou. Have I listed everyone?" Bakura asked.

"You said my name twice," Ryou pointed out. "And you forgot Zorc."

"Who?"

"And you missed Vivian," Mai added.

"How many characters does this show have?" Yugi asked out of curiosity.

"I love how this drabble went from seduction to sexuality to girls raging about yaoi when they actually like it to the number of characters this show has," Mariku commented with amusement.

**-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

**So do I, Mariku. Review? XD**


	6. The Puzzleship of the Ring I

**IDK, I like writing crack. Lord of the Sennen Ring trilogy is up now! There'll be all three YGO parody versions of the movies if I can be bothered and if people want them done, lmao. Lord of the Sennen Ring: Puzzleship of the Ring, The Two Duelists and the Return of the Desu. Look how fucking creative my titles are. XP**

**Gee I wonder if there'll be yaoi.**

**6. **The Puzzleship of the Ring I

Yugi's grandpa grinned as his favourite wizard Mahaado rolled into this random village where there's a lot of midgets hanging around. Oh sorry, hobbits. Yugi was one of the many hobbits that lived in this hobbit town, which finally gave him a reason to be so flipping short. He was the gardener of another hobbit midget thing named Yami and also they are best friends. Gee, I wonder if they'll fall in love with one another.

In any case, Yugi and Yami were partying with their friends Jounouchi and Seto. Which makes the author very confused as to why Jounouchi and Seto have been reduced to hobbit height and are best friends now. If this story were to make more sense, I'd at least switch Seto out for Honda. But alas no, you can't have Puzzleshipping without Puppyshipping. Gee, I wonder if there'll be Tender or Bronzeshipping?

Mahaado and Sugoroku – look, Yugi's grandpa has a name IT'S FUCKING ASTOUNDING – were having a nice man to man talk about the dangers of the Sennen Ring. It's Lord of the Rings so the Sennen Puzzle decided to shove off into some other Puzzleshipping fanfiction.

"So uh yeah, you're an old man and thus you can't be the hero of this story," Mahaado broke the news to Sugoroku who was very much disappoint.

"Why?"

"You're not a hot bishounen so nobody cares if you do something heroic."

"And you're going to entrust the Sennen Ring to my midget grandson who does nothing but play card games by himself in Yami's garden hoping that someday Yami will notice him and get him m-preg?"

"Totes. And Yami, Jounouchi and Seto can accompany him so that Yugi doesn't wander around looking like a social reject." And somewhere was a reader who wondered where Mahaado and Sugoroku's personalities had disappeared off to. Also Yugi and Yami appeared rather conveniently as they returned from their party. For some reason Yami likes to return to Yugi's house instead of his own. Gee, I wonder if they'll get together. "Ah, excellent! Hey kids, are you up for a life-threatening task that determines the fate of the world?"

Yami nodded. "It doesn't matter whether this is canon or not, we're always bloody saving the world. Let's do it, Aibou." Yugi felt confused at Yami's obligatory use of Japanese.

"Hai..?" Yugi tried to join in, suspecting that speaking Japanese at random moments is the current rend desu.

Mahaado grinned. "Sweeet. Take that uber short Seto kid and his boyfriend Jounouchi with you."

"They're not boyfriends," Yugi pointed out. Mahaado frowned.

"Dude, this is the very beginning of the story and everyone already bloody knows that you and Yami will hit it off along with Seto and Jounouchi, Bakura and Ryou, Malik and Mariku... Yeah, all you lot and maybe Otogi and Honda if the author feels like it. Oh and Anzu will suddenly become the bitch from hell."

"With a nice rack," Sugoroku added. Mahaado nodded.

"A nice rack indeed..."

And thus Sugoroku handed over the Sennen Ring and the boys were off on their way! Who the hell needs an explanation on the Sennen Ring or any other background crap on the characters and why the fate of the world has been entrusted to a bunch of midgets? Not you, not me. Lazy author is lazy.

As the four boys who I must list so I will, Yugi, Yami, Jounouchi and Seto made their way to some random village, which only serves a purpose of being the first place to chuck in some shounen-ai kawaii desu.

"Hey Yami?" Yugi asked.

"Hai Aibou?" Yami responded in Japanese. Jounouchi scratched his head in confusion but decided to let it go.

"We're in a parody of Lord of the Rings, right?"

"Hai."

"Stop greeting him everytime he talks to you!" Jounouchi snapped. Seto sighed.

"Yo mutt, hai is yes in Japanese. Get with the program," he explained to his blonde to-be-boyfriend.

"So why haven't we had a cast list? In these sorts of things the author dedicates the first chapter to tell the readers which character is which and then they actually begin to write three chapters later after making author note chapters saying why they hadn't updated the past three days and so on." Yami, Seto and Jounouchi all stared at Yugi in confusion for none of them really knew the answer. But Yugi was right. They all stood and waited for the plot to come to them.

"Hey look, a Nazgul!" Jounouchi yelled out rather stupidly.

"Dude, this is a Yu-Gi-Oh parody of Lord of the Rings!" Seto reminded him.

Jounouchi blinked. "Hey look, a Kuriboh!"

"Oh the humanity!" Yami cried and the four hid under some tree branch – oh wait, Yu-Gi-Oh parody – they hid under a Harpy Lady. The Kuriboh went on by and disappeared down a plothole. "We're safe for now. Hey, we need to meet some wizard, don't we?"

"Are we in a Harry Potter crossover?" Jounouchi asked at hearing the word 'wizard'. Seto rolled his eyes.

"No, YGO/HP crossovers like to focus on Yugi, Ryou and Malik along with their respective yamis and they befriend girls for once but still end up gay."

Yami gasped. "Look! It's the wizard who looks exactly like me but he is not related to me – hey will he have a threesome with me and Yugi?" And if you didn't guess, the wizard's name was Atemu. Time for some Mobiumshipping or whatever the fack AxYYxY is. Gee, I wonder if Akefia will appear at some point in the trilogy for some AxBxR. And the author really wants to switch the letters around to make BRA for shits and giggles.

"I am the Atemu the Grey!" Atemu introduced himself whilst blinged out in gold. Go figure. Yugi and Yami decided just from one look at Atemu that they'd tap that. Don'tcha love love at first sight?

Because fanfiction is never fun with only seven characters, the story skipped past some Atemu/Akefia enemy crap as Akefia turns to the dark side for Zorc or someone like that to the council to decide the Puzzleship of the Ring. See what I did thar?

Honda yawned, knowing that he wasn't going to be in this story very long and that after this scene his daughter Ryou will be making out with Aragorn!Bakura and thus the story has chucked in the obligatory gender-bending, he wondered how the heck this sentence will end.

"So uh... Legolas and Gimli had some kinda thing going on but Gimli wasn't hot enough so the fangirls slashed Aragorn/Legolas instead so uh... Malik can be Legolas and Mariku can be Gimli, therefore replacing Gimli with a questionable bishounen. Bronzeshipping is now in the fic so the fangirls can rest easy knowing that Yami/Hikari pairings are dominating over all others... So let me think... We got Yami as Frodo, Yugi as Sam, Seto as Merry, Jounouchi as Pippin, Bakura as Aragorn with a thing for Arwen!Ryou, Malik as Legolas, Mariku as Gimli, Atemu as Gandalf and uh... Boromir dies. Anyone wanna be Boromir?"

Silence.

Mana raised her hand. "I have an idea! Boromir died defending Merry and Pippin and well, Seto as Merry means we should have Seth as Boromir. This means Seth can die protecting Seto to make Stoicshipping and also ship Jounouchi with Seto's past self. What's more is that then we can pass Mokuba off as Faramir and then make Shizuka Eowyn to create Siblingshipping, the heterosexual BFF of Puppyshipping."

Seth frowned to himself. 'My character dies? Oh bloody hell. Eh, I'll probably get revived in order to have a threesome with Jounouchi and Seto anyway,' he thought.

"That works. Okay, we have our Puzzleship of the Ring!" Honda announced.

So now we have Puzzleshipping, Puppyshipping, Tendershipping and Bronzeshipping...

Gee, I wonder if Heba will appear, whoever the fuck he is.

**-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

**I dare you to find a reason for Heba's existence.**

**Don't worry, I don't get it either.**


	7. Weird Author is Weird

**Oh bugger you, Mel. Just because you're off school sick doesn't mean you can't just write crack instead of updating your fanfiction with plot. How dare you choose to write OOC!Yami and so on, instead. Blah blah blah how many girls are in YGO anyway? -6?**

**Blablabla lyk omg I don't own YGO Kazuki Takahashi duz and if I owned YGO all my jizzy dreams wud come tru and tea will fall off a cliff teh yays**

**Now go read while I ponder a cynical rant on livejournal.**

**-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

**7. **This Anime is a Bit of a Sausage Fest

"I've been thinking..." Yugi announced to his yami, conveniently named Yami. Maybe Yugi should change his name to Hikari for the same convenience. "Why doesn't anyone acknowledge that I have a crush on Anzu?"

Gasp! Someone dared mention het in a fanfiction for an anime where the cast is mostly made up of pussy men! What an outrage! Or something like that.

"...You do?" Yami asked blankly. He didn't recall this Anzu person after all those fanfictions he'd read of himself and Yugi.

Yugi rolled his eyes. "Yeah, you know the girl who's my childhood friend and still remains as one of my best friends in the whole entire world?"

Yami blinked in confusion. "Doesn't ring a bell."

"Fanfiction authors regularly drop icebergs over her and call her Tea Gardner and turn her into a horrid bitch that hates the fact that us guys would apparently rather take it up the ass than be near her?" Yugi wondered if that would make Yami remember.

"Ooh, the skank with a beverage for a first name?" Yami asked for clarification for now this girl was sounding rather familiar.

"Yeah, her. I have a crush on that girl, only her name is Anzu Mazaki and she's a nice person. Oh and Honda and Otogi have a crush on Shizuka."

"Who, who and who?"

Yugi sighed. "Do you only know dub names or something, mou hitori no boku?"

"Moo hitori no what now?"

"Ugh. Anyway, Tristan and Duke both have a crush on Joey's sister Serenity."

"And Joey likes Kaiba, right?"

"No, he likes Mai."

"That can't be right. Mai likes Isis."

"Who the hell is Isis?"

"Marik's sister."

"No, that's Ishizu."

"But the fanfics say-"

"The fanfics also make you, Yami no Bakura and Yami no Mariku best friends, which doesn't make sense."

"Why can't you be happy that I have two best friends?"

"They want to kill you."

"Oh now you're just trying to turn me against them."

"They've. Tried. To. Kill. You."

"You're just jealous that your best friends aren't amazing yamis who are into mind blowing sex and sadistic foreplay."

"Yeah, because the type of friends I look for totally fit that description..." Yugi muttered sarcastically.

"I'm not even sure who's talking anymore."

"Me either. It's like the author doesn't even care anymore."

"So why do you like Anzu anyway?" The author decided to have the characters return to the original plot of the drabble for once.

Yugi's eyes widened. "Don't look so mystified. Have you seen her-"

"No," Yami cut his hikari and future boyfriend off. "Just because the author has a goddamn girlcrush on Anzu doesn't mean she can constantly write in comments regarding Anzu's chest."

"...I was going to say her dancing but I suppose her rack's good too."

**-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

**YOU CANNOT ESCAPE THE RACK ._.**

**Now review or something while 44097509 authors go write some fic about an uke!hikari moving to Domino City and going to Domino High and finding a seme!yami that they fall in love with. Watch the yami be all "oh mah lawd that hikari looks just like me i must touch him inapproprately within 2 chapters of knowing him" and then some mindblowing sex. You can swap uke!hikari for Mary Sue and seme!yami for Seto Kaiba and still get the same sort of thing, I suppose.**

**Weird things get written when I'm in a weird mood. Or maybe I'm being a tad cynical. Who knows. XD**

**Adios!**

**Mel-Girl.**


	8. SelfInserts and OC Yamis

**Mel: oh my gawd I fail at updating, I'll make sure to do a proper update of fics this weekend I swear**

**Bakura: Why are we doing author notes in script format?**

**Marik: Shut up kitty.**

**Mel: So like apparently I'm in this chapter because people actually give a damn whether I'm in the story or not. Or at least I'm making that assumption because uh idk gomenasai**

**Bakura: Marik's so kawaii desu**

**Marik: I'm going to do something different and speak English while the readers read on.**

**8. **Nothing like whoring yourself in your fanfics

Mel was sitting on her computer chair typing fanfiction when she decided to watch her favourite anime Durarara – oh for story purposes let's make it Yu-Gi-Oh Duel Monsters. So she saved her work – oh let's face it, she attempted to update Bloody Brilliant when she thought about how hot it would be to get with favourite bishies – gee I wonder if she'll somehow get teleported to the world of Yu-Gi-Oh?

So Mel typed in youtube for an episode of Yu-Gi-Oh when Yami no Mel aka Mell bopped up because yanno, if authors can get away with Malik/Marik then Mel can get away with Mel/Mell. Go figure.

"Oh my gawd Bakura is like, so hawt," Mell fangirled. Mel raised an eyebrow. This is her yami? Okay whatever, she'll roll with that. Mell batted her hardcore eyelashes as she stared at the computer screen with colour-changing eyes wow look she's magic. "Like, I would tap that in public. Totally."

The episode just happened to be one that starred like every character such as Yami, Yugi, Jounouchi, Anzu, Honda, Otogi, Ryou, Bakura, Malik, Marik, Shadi, Mai, Shizuka, Seto, Mokuba and another fifty characters or so. And Mell managed to fangirl over every single one whilst growing some weirdo angel wings. Mel began to think her yami was a bit of a freak. And just as Yami put three cards in facedown mode, the computer screen began to glow in response to Mell's Millennium Coffee Mug.

But because nobody ever disappears through computer screens into their favourite shows, Mel and Mell were zapped in through the television even though neither have ever watched Yu-Gi-Oh on their TV.

Mell and Mel fell through the sky and died when they hit the ground like people normally would when they fall from such a height. Oh wait, that's not enough author self-insert whoring – okay Mel fell into the arms of Seto Kaiba and Mell fell into the arms of Marik Ishtar. Dunno which Marik though, most authors assume you know which one from the beginning so I'll take the same approach too.

"...Did we just watch Yu-Gi-Oh on our computer but get zapped through the TV?" Mel questioned her yami. "Wow, it's like this fanfiction decided to screw logic."

Seto raised an eyebrow, not bothering to react to the fact a stranger fell out of the sky and landed directly in his arms like he was actually trying to catch her. "Did it screw logic because it had money?"

"Nope."

"That bastard."

"Ohemgee it's Marik," Mell squeed all over Marik. Lovely. Good first impression.

Marik decided to ignore this to gasp at Mell's Millennium Coffee Mug. "My god! It's the exclusive 78th Millenium Item!" He tried to grab it but Mell swatted his hand.

"Down boy! I bought this from insert mysterious character here who may or may not show up in plot later!" Mell snapped as she jumped out of Marik's arms.

Mel rolled his eyes. "Are Millennium Items like, everywhere now or something?"

Seto shrugged. "I dunno; I'm too busy getting a boner from that God Card in your pocket."

"Cool story." Mel eventually decided to check her pocket like ohmahgasp there was indeed a God Card in her pocket! How the eff did she not notice that being there? "Uh..." she pulled the card to take a proper look. "It's actually a Pokémon card with a picture of Zac Efron's face taped on it," she pointed out with a frown.

This didn't seem to change much. "Yeah, it's still a God Card," Marik replied as he blatantly checked Mell out because she was totes the resident hottie. "Anyway, why did you fall out of the sky?"

"Why aren't you with Kitty?"

"You mean Florence?"

"Totes."

"He's on a hunt with his Gaydar."

Seto raised a hand. "He better not be screwing rules without any money. Or else I'll drop an ego bomb on him. And if you think that's big, you should see my ego."

Mel wondered why Abridged references were being zapped into the fanfic. It's as if the author can't come up with their own jokes. Then she remembered a crucial detail. She is the author!

So some evil dude uh Steve showed up. "Marik and Mel shall never get together!" he declared. "And neither shall Seto and Mell!"

Mell rolled her eyes. "Well, duh. I landed in Marik's arms and Mel landed in Seto's. We can't just hint at pairings that conflict with one another, yanno! Why do you think Yami never makes a move on Ryou in a Puzzleshipping fanfiction?"

Steve blinked. "Oh my gawd you just stopped me with your Millennium Coffee Mug." Boom, he go explode.

Marik pouted. "There's just one thing I don't get, Mell."

Mell raised an eyebrow. "Yes?"

"If you're Mel's yami, how come you and Mel have separate bodies?"

Let's end on original material.

"Because shut up."

**-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

**Gomenasai for whatever reason I haven't conjured up yet.**

**Though I'll admit, YGOTAS fics actually do bug me more often than not. Because YGOTAS is good stuff and all but I don't need to read the same stuff in fanfics too. =/**

**Adios!**

**Mel-Girl.**

**PS. btw my yami is so like totally cool best yami OC ever XP**


End file.
